Does the past really matter?

After I started to write about my childhood abuse( previous post), I started thinking and wondering if my past really matter to my illness. Who cares about the past? What matters is that I get better from today and going forward. Isn’t it?

To lay my past out in short list, here it goes:

I lost my parent when I was 3 years old,
I lost my contact with my oldest sister when 5yrs old,
I was physically and sexually abused from age of 7 until 14 yrs old. I had to suffer from starvation due to my caretaker, my Uncle Bob, being an evil psycho.
I was betrayed by my own sister when she stole my inheritance money and leaving me penniless,
I floated around foster homes when I was 14-17 years old.


But then I did so well when I became independent(legally allowed to live by yourself and declare to be an adult by law). I had likable personality. My first boyfriend was the captain of the soccer team in high school. I was vice president of the year book club. I was working part time job, getting straight A’s in a American high school. I did above average on my S.A.T.(it’s a college entrance national exam). I got into a university that ranks top 10 in the world. I was going to an Ivy League University like I hoped. I graduated top of my class in college with stright A's and proud 4.3 GPA(out of 4.0 being the perfect score). I was that girl everyone disliked for being too smart or liked very much for her smarts. I got a job working for a worldly known top Investment Bank, making double the average salary than most. Everyone liked me. I was very outgoing, had many friends, had many meaningful relationships with great boyfriends through out my life. I was financially doing well, traveling all over the world. I just had anxiety attacks here and there.Nothing too serious. I had an eating disorder but not too serious. My life was good as i knew it. I got tired easily and wanted a break(a time for myself, I called it) here and there. It would just be for the weekend, where I’d stay home and sleep with no human contacts. It was not a big deal. After all, it was normal in my line of work, working 100 hours a week.


Then I went from weekend in every other month to every weekend. I lied to my friends saying that I have to work every weekend so I couldn't hang out. I had hard time going into work. I lost my job. I don’t know what happened. All of it just got too much for me. I wanted an out from the society and the world. I didn’t want to be part of any institutions. I just wanted to sleep as much as possible. I couldn’t deal with the anxieties and panic attacks I was having. The thought of having to get up and see people next day, just the thought it gave me an anxiety attack. I didn’t want any human contacts. The world was so evil in my eyes. Humans are so judgmental and full of greed and jealousy. Humans were selfish by nature and so many did nothing to fix that. It's like a war out there. I just felt alone(not lonely). I couldn’t connect with anyone any longer. I did not wish to pretend or even try. I did not wish to try ANYTHING any more. I had a full blown agoraphobia. Complete solitude and house bound for 6 months(well, I am not sure if it’s solitude if you are on the internet).

How do I go from point B to point C so fast? Does point A matter(point A being my childhood until 17 years of age) Why should it when I did so well from age 17 to 25 or so? Yes I slipped here and there all through those years but it was nothing too significant. No agoraphobia. I was a busy body who got burned out here and there. Does it matter that I revisit my past? What does past have anything to do with my current condition? I understand it was an ugly life and I can talk about it. So what? It does nothing for me....