Scent of one Fall eveing....

date written: 09/23/ 2009 11pm

I just opened my windows for the first time in months.
Temperature is cool with slight breeze and with it, comes the scent of grass and crisp air of fall evening.
Last time I was able to go outside, further than to my mailbox and tiny supermarket downstairs was back in March 2009. That was the last time I had any human contact and socialization(other than my mailman and the supermarket owner from downstairs).
This has been the longest interval ever that I have been housebound.

What am I doing with my life?
How long will this last?
What an utter waste of life and any use of a human being!

I even dread the slightest hint of outside world so I drape my windows dark and try to sleep all day long, as long as physically possible. I prefer to sleep during the day so that I can't detect the sunlight through my curtains.

My poor dogs... I can only walk them in the hall ways and stairs of my apartment complex up and down around 3 am so I don’t run into people.
Luckily they are miniature breeds so they do get the minimal exercise needed... But I can't help but wonder if I should give them up for their sake. Then again, I do do my best to care for them….. plenty of food, care and love. I just can't give them up after 9years of raising them! I love them so much! I fear they may get placed in a wrong house and be abused. So despite my inability to walk them outside much further from my apartment...I think its best I keep them and love them.

I am waiting for food delivery right now…
I wish they would just get here already…
my palms are sweaty and my heart is racing.
My head feels warm.. and cold sweat on my back is forever unpleasant.
It’s been 40minutes of this…. This is why I hate ordering food….
It always takes longer for them to deliver at night time.
I am not even that hungry but thought of waking up tomorrow, being food less during the daylight makes me cringe. I have not gone food shopping since March. Ordering fast food and whatever else available for delivery is all I have been eating for past 6months.

What have my life become?
Why am I here?
Why do I do this to myself?
Oh how I dread the world…. Do I even wish to be here?
I seem to be here only because I can’t seem to go anywhere, unless I inflict some harm to myself…
Desire to be HERE, TODAY, doesn’t seem to be true.
I am not miserable however…
Just indifferent to all things….
I am rambling….
(I think what my condition fits "Hikikomori, " more than agoraphobia. Although I think Agoraphobia is a more generalized, Western Societal version of Hikikomori. So if I had to label it, I'd say Hikikomori plus alpha, where alpha equals anxiety disorder, PTSD, and Agoraphobia. It makes sense! Although I am not Japanese but Korean culture is VERY similar to Japanese culture and I was raised with Korean cultural influence along with Western culture, which I never thought mixed too well. I had to strive to be a leader in an American society. Yet with East Asian cultural background, I was to be modest, willing to adapt and assimilate..... Well, this is a whole different issue...Next time..)