Difference between Agoraphobia & hikikomori part 1

09/ 24/2009 12:40am

The other day, I ran into this terminology called “hikikomori” on the web. Although my previous shrinks have diagnosed my condition as agoraphobia with general anxiety and PTSD, the more I read about other people who suffer from agoraphobia, I never thought my condition really “fit-in.” I seek an “out”, a total escape from the world, the society, all institutions and people that make up that society. My isolation is not at all related  spatial attachement like many agoraphoias.

Wikipedia defines hikikomori(pronounced “hi-ki-ko-mo-ri”) as below:

Hikikomori (ひきこもり or 引き籠もり Hikikomori?, lit. "pulling away, being confined", i.e., "acute social withdrawal") is a Japanese term to refer to the phenomenon of reclusive individuals who have chosen to withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement because of various personal and social factors in their lives. The term hikikomori refers to both the sociological phenomenon in general as well as to individuals belonging to this societal group.

Although there are occasions where the hikikomori may venture outdoors, usually at night to buy food, the Japanese Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare defines hikikomori as individuals who refuse to leave their parents' house, and isolate themselves from society in their homes for a period exceeding six months.While the degree of the phenomenon varies on an individual basis, in the most extreme cases, some youths remain in isolation for years or even decades.

It seem to define my daily behavior pattern as for being housebound and desire to isolate myself from the society. There are some significant differences as well. I don’t live with my parents (I live alone); I do not depend on them for living income(I have saved up a bit from working so much and besides my parent s passed away); I am not unemployed- I worked too much if anything; I am not a teenager, and it did not start out as school refusal(I went to high school and college in America); Lastly, my condition is not a social disorder nor is it a rebellious act towards the society.

I think Agoraphobia is a more generalized, Western Societal version of Hikikomori. So if I had to label it, I'd say (1/2)Hikikomori plus (1/2)alpha, where alapha equals anxiety disorder, PTSD, and Agoraphobia. It makes sense! I am not Japanese but Korean culture is VERY similar to Japanese culture and I was raised with Korean cultural influence along with Western culture, which I never thought mixed too well. I strive to be a successful person, a leader in an American society- someone who attracts and desire to be the center of attention, assertive, confident, and outgoing. Yet with East Asian cultural background, I was to be modest, willing to adapt and assimilate, and behave with a desired Asian female like qualities--e.g. not too harsh or outspoken.

Like I said earlier, I seek an “out”, a total escape from the world, the society, all institutions and people that make up that society. I isolate myself from those things (I do this in intervals, periods of isolation, anywhere from several weeks to months- 7 months being the longest to date). Although it started as symptoms, the isolation itself, I realized I desire it, seek it, need it. I am exhausted, detached, in extreme fear of the world and it’s components. Just the notion or thought of it could drive me to a panic attack, extreme rapid heart rate, sweaty palms, cold sweats down my back………words cannot explain. I seek isolation when I am stressed, weak, burned out, and when in need to reward myself. The reward is to allow myself to be isolated from the rest.

Note that I am trying to acknowledge and intentionally stating that it is "I" who isolate myself, nstead of saying I am isolated. Because it is “I “ who create that environment for myself. I am not isolated because I cannot fit in or not accepted. I have no problem with socializing and accepted when I DO desire to socialize. But I “desire” to be isolated. In the beginning of my illness, I only recognized everything as "results" (e.g. I was isolated to my house. I was agoraphobia). However, over years of analyzing and critiquing myself, I realized I desire these results and hence creating it for myself. NO, I don’t control or desire my painc attcks and anxieties but it is true that I WANT to be isolated so that I would feel comfortable,and free from anxieties and panic attacks etc.

I think this distinction/identification is true and necessary whether you have agoraphobia or hikikomori or anxiety. I used to say " I wish I can get out." I wish these fear and anxiety will go away. I wish I wouldn't behave this way. When in fact, what I really want is to WANT to be part of the world, and wish to WANT to get up the next morning. It is the desire to want to call friends, want to "seek" my life with others because right now, I just don't. I lack the desire to want to change. It is this that is the illness with me. Not the end result- being housebound.

I have irrational fear and anxiety to be with others, part of society and wake up tomorrow and be bothered with it. It is the panic attacks and anxieties that cause me to NOT want to be part of the world. But if being part of the world is something I want and desire, I doubt I would have anxiety about it or fear and panic about it. Right? SO it is the "want" that I desperately wish and need in order to get better. Not just the actions- get rid of the anxiety and panics....

Have I confused you yet? I am a horrible writer....